Dear Lady in The Public Toilet…..

I see you.

In the public toilet.

As it happens we meet here. Nature’s call.

Its usually a brief encounter. I can’t help but notice you.

You have that noticeable look about you. I glance at you briefly a few times.

And I take you for a lot of things.

A lady.

With manicured nails. (Mine, not so much)

Your hair blow-dried within an inch of its life. (Mine, not so much)

I take you for an elegant woman two feet firmly on the ground.

A wife perhaps. Maybe a mother. A role model.

I take you for someone who looks after themselves and cares about appearances.

While my mind is wondering off wondering about your life and wondering about all those things, I quickly remember how I much I detest public toilets.

My view on public toilets in one word?

Disgusting.

I have a thing with going into the toilet directly after someone else did whatever they did in there. It makes me feel icky and uncomfortable. I don’t like it. Too close for comfort.

But when you gotta go you gotta go.

Unless you’re a camel. I am not a camel.

So I join the queue and there you are. Just in the queue ahead of me. Off you went into the stall before me doing your elegant lady business like the elegant lady that I took you for. You exit gracefully after a short while. It is my turn next.

I took you for a lot of things. But there is one thing I did not take you for.

So, em, ….. you’re a messy squatter, then.

Ok.

So let’s talk about that mess you left on the toilet seat.

Listen. I get it. You’re a squatter. You don’t want to sit where someone else sat before you with their naked butt and swip swop dead skin cells. I totally get it. It’s gross. I hear you.

You know what else is gross?

Your urine all over the toilet seat.

Here is the thing. If you’re squat-peeing in an effort to avoid rubbing your backside in the dead skin cells of strangers, you are not helping the problem at hand. You are the problem!
YOU are ruining peeing sitting down for everyone else. Because you, my friend, are the one who is pissing all over the seat.

It appears you are unaware what state you left the toilet in for the next person (aka me!) But I am aware. Oh yes. I am aware and I am not amused. Your ability to pee into the toilet bowl does not match your ability to look picture perfect. How very unlady-like of you.

Dear squatter lady, not trying to cramp your style or anything, but when you enter a bathroom stall equipped with an pristine toilet seat and you squat instead of sitting down, you just ruined the next person’s chance at getting to sit down and take a comfortable, squat-free pee on that particular toilet. So I got 3 choices: a) squat to avoid your mess, 2) clean up your mess or 3) simply pick another stall. Due to the ridiculous shortage of female public loos, the last one simply isn’t an option when you have queued for ages to finally get one of the 3 stalls available.

Let me speak for all women just for one moment: Squat-peeing—a.k.a. peeing all over the toilet seat isn’t the solution. Letsbehonest, female anatomy is not favorable to squat-peeing. No guarantees. It could go anywhere.

So going forward can we just agree on one thing: that you are going to SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Or if that’s not an option for you, for the love of all things that are holy, please check yourself before you wreck yourself and wipe up your mess.

Thank you,

and Happy International Women’s Day.